Whack and you are straight back there.

I feel like I have been physically thrown back 8 years! I feel winded and incrediby sad.

Today I learnt that a (nother) very special person has lost the battle against cancer. Cancer, in my mind, is the cruelest disease ever.

The person in question was not someone I knew very well. She was in fact Matthew's and Alan's counsellor during Matthew's/Ju's cancer. She met Matthew on a weekly basis for the last 8 months of his life, even coming to the hospice/our home to see and speak with him. She met Alan weekly for longer.

We chatted when I visited Jane Scarth house, she came to our wedding and met Esmé and Charlie when they were tiny babies.

It is right to feel sad that she has died. She was an amazing person, with an amazing job...it seems doubly cruel that she had cancer herself.

Refreshed

I have been seriously doubting my faith recently, this has meant that I have been feeing very low.



We have not been to church for sometime, we are wandering between churches, not having found a good place to be.



Easter Sunday we made an effort to attend the local church (as it seemed did many others). The service, whilst pleasant, was not particularly inspiring, but I was able to sit and have some quiet moments with God. I felt His presence ike I haven't felt it for a long long time.



Since Sunday I have felt refreshed....like my thirst has been quenched by cold water on a hot sunny day. I feel renewed and alive..... very appropriate for this time of year.

Simple joys

Sometimes the simplest of things can make you so happy. The smallest thing makes your heart soar and out a smile on your face.

Yesterday Charlie said Mama, so what you might think. Charlie is 18 months and is learnning so many things. He is a cheeky monkey and has several words in his repertoire, but no amount of persuasion could get him to say Mama.

Last night getting him ready for bed, he gave me a huge cuddle and said Mama with a big smile.

Last night and today I haven't stopped smiling.

Pondering the human need for stuff

'Mummy what will happen to Daddy-In-Heaven's precious things when I die?' A question from my 9 year old last night. He is talking about his memory box filled with special things from Matthew, his watches, cards he wrote to Ross, his teddy bear. I assured him that he could pass them down to his children with the stories that go with them. 'But there will come a time when no-one will be interested in that stuff, won't there?' He said and I had to agree that 1 day that will happen, but it won't matter because we'll be in Heaven. 'Can I take the stuff to Heaven then?' and so I explained that in Heaven we won't need stuff, all we need will be there for us in the form of God and those who are waiting for us.

So why do we need so much stuff whilst we are here on earth? I have a box of letters/cards from Matthew and a couple of things that I cannot bear to let go of. I also have a similar box of cards and letters from Alan and a box of cards and pictures from the children. These boxes are so precious to me, but one day will mean nothing and will be put into the recycling bin without a second thought.

My memories are in my head and yet I still keep my memory joggers. Strange things us humans.

A new start

After reading through my last few entries I realise what a moaner I've become. I'm not like that in real life....honest... I've just used my blog to vent. I have decided that my next few blogs will be positive.

I have nicked this idea from the wonderful Jane! I am going to start counting my blessings.

I am very thankful for:

My 4 healthy, lively, beautiful children.

My darling husband, Alan.

The opportunity to meet, love, marry and miss Matthew.

My friend's Jane and Brian (especially when they take the children when I am ill).

My virtual friends (who know exactly who they are), particularly after today as they got me blogging again.

My friend Dom, who came over this morning with carrot cake she has made and has vowed to get me onto a breastfeeding supporters training course if it kills her :o)

Living in a house that has plenty of space for us to all be able to have our own spaces.

Losing more than 1/2 of the weight I need to.

There is so much more, but I shan't bore you. Suffice to say, despite the rain and the squabbling children, life is good!

Shaken beliefs

For a while now my Faith has been shaky. Prayers for help in finding my way back to God have gone unanswered. I talk to God and get no answer.

Am I not listening hard enough?
Am I doing something wrong?
Or, have my years of Faith been a mistake?

I have always looked at how God has worked in my life. Maybe I have just been looking for a way to explain things.

I am not sure who I am at the moment, where I am going or what I should be doing. I need to withdraw and think deeply. To decide what happens now in my life and where to go from here.