For a while now my Faith has been shaky. Prayers for help in finding my way back to God have gone unanswered. I talk to God and get no answer.
Am I not listening hard enough?
Am I doing something wrong?
Or, have my years of Faith been a mistake?
I have always looked at how God has worked in my life. Maybe I have just been looking for a way to explain things.
I am not sure who I am at the moment, where I am going or what I should be doing. I need to withdraw and think deeply. To decide what happens now in my life and where to go from here.
Tuesday, 2 February 2010
Monday, 19 October 2009
October
October is the tenth month of the year, or the eighth in the Roman calendar (hence the Oct).
October is recognised as the beginning of autumn in our hemisphere (spring in the southern).
October has been adopted as the Breast Cancer Awareness month, which if nothing else, reminds women to check their boobs!
Many countries, including Nigeria, Canada, Spain and China have national days of celebration during October.
The clocks go back an hour at the end of October to embrace the longer nights and shorter days (we get an extra hour in bed!)
The 31st October is Halloween, or All Hallow's Eve or Samhain (pronounced sow-in, translated as summer's end).
October means many things to many people, whether it's the start of winter, Halloween fun, changing clocks or the simple fun of kicking up leaves whilst walking home (something we did today).
For me, October means sadness. It is full of days with specific memories.
2nd October 1968, Matthew was born. This year he would have been 41, instead he will be forever 34.
13th October 2002 our daughter Anya was baptised. What a bittersweet day, we had invited everyone, friends and family to celebrate with us... but everyone knew that for many this would be the last time they would see Matthew. By this time cancer had so ravaged his body that he looked like an old man of 80. Several people walked straight past him and asked me where he was, that is what the cancer had done to him, made him unrecogniseable to those who loved him.
15th October 2002, Matthew went into the local hospice to try to sort out his drugs and for some respite for me. I spent the next 10 days travelling to the hospice twice a day with a 3 month old and a 2 year old to my husband, who at times slept through my visit. The guilt was unbearable, I should be able to care for him, but I couldn't cope, I needed a break.
24th October, Matthew, his parents and I met with the consultants. Matthew asked straight out what the prognosis was, we were told a few weeks. Matthew wanted to come home to die.
25th October, Matthew comes home and went to bed. My house was never empty, nurses, carers and family were always around. Matthew could not do anything for himself now and spent a lot of time sleeping.
29th October, Matthew came downstairs and a hospital bed was bought into the dining room. A call came through to say that the family portraits we had got taken the month before were ready to be collected. That evening the special air filled mattress went down. We needed to lift Matthew and put a blow up mattress under him. I called several of his friends to help. For days Matthew had been sleeping most of the time, he had barely spoken and when he had, it often didn't make sense. This evening he was able to laugh and joke with his friends, we had our Matthew back albeit briefly. My Dad went to collect the photos, Mum held them up for him to see whilst Dad and I held Matthew up so he could see them, his body was so wasted that he was unable to sit on his own. Matthew's best friend sat with him for ages and they chatted. Matthew's dad came to sit with Matthew through the night (myself, his mum, dad and his sister had taken it in turns to sit with him each night). I said goodnight to Matthew, he told me he loved me and I told him the same.
30th October, according to Matthew's dad, his breathing slowed and he slipped into a coma in the early hours. In the morning the medics came to replace the blow up mattress with a special 1 to prevent sores. During the lifting, Matthew let out a last gasp, he had finally had enough and slipped away after 11 months of cancer ravaging his body.
7 years later it hurts as much as it did that day.
October is recognised as the beginning of autumn in our hemisphere (spring in the southern).
October has been adopted as the Breast Cancer Awareness month, which if nothing else, reminds women to check their boobs!
Many countries, including Nigeria, Canada, Spain and China have national days of celebration during October.
The clocks go back an hour at the end of October to embrace the longer nights and shorter days (we get an extra hour in bed!)
The 31st October is Halloween, or All Hallow's Eve or Samhain (pronounced sow-in, translated as summer's end).
October means many things to many people, whether it's the start of winter, Halloween fun, changing clocks or the simple fun of kicking up leaves whilst walking home (something we did today).
For me, October means sadness. It is full of days with specific memories.
2nd October 1968, Matthew was born. This year he would have been 41, instead he will be forever 34.
13th October 2002 our daughter Anya was baptised. What a bittersweet day, we had invited everyone, friends and family to celebrate with us... but everyone knew that for many this would be the last time they would see Matthew. By this time cancer had so ravaged his body that he looked like an old man of 80. Several people walked straight past him and asked me where he was, that is what the cancer had done to him, made him unrecogniseable to those who loved him.
15th October 2002, Matthew went into the local hospice to try to sort out his drugs and for some respite for me. I spent the next 10 days travelling to the hospice twice a day with a 3 month old and a 2 year old to my husband, who at times slept through my visit. The guilt was unbearable, I should be able to care for him, but I couldn't cope, I needed a break.
24th October, Matthew, his parents and I met with the consultants. Matthew asked straight out what the prognosis was, we were told a few weeks. Matthew wanted to come home to die.
25th October, Matthew comes home and went to bed. My house was never empty, nurses, carers and family were always around. Matthew could not do anything for himself now and spent a lot of time sleeping.
29th October, Matthew came downstairs and a hospital bed was bought into the dining room. A call came through to say that the family portraits we had got taken the month before were ready to be collected. That evening the special air filled mattress went down. We needed to lift Matthew and put a blow up mattress under him. I called several of his friends to help. For days Matthew had been sleeping most of the time, he had barely spoken and when he had, it often didn't make sense. This evening he was able to laugh and joke with his friends, we had our Matthew back albeit briefly. My Dad went to collect the photos, Mum held them up for him to see whilst Dad and I held Matthew up so he could see them, his body was so wasted that he was unable to sit on his own. Matthew's best friend sat with him for ages and they chatted. Matthew's dad came to sit with Matthew through the night (myself, his mum, dad and his sister had taken it in turns to sit with him each night). I said goodnight to Matthew, he told me he loved me and I told him the same.
30th October, according to Matthew's dad, his breathing slowed and he slipped into a coma in the early hours. In the morning the medics came to replace the blow up mattress with a special 1 to prevent sores. During the lifting, Matthew let out a last gasp, he had finally had enough and slipped away after 11 months of cancer ravaging his body.
7 years later it hurts as much as it did that day.
Tuesday, 8 September 2009
Wednesday, 17 June 2009
No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.
The title of this post is a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt and it is so very true. I am working hard at this. I am trying to avoid situations where I feel inferior. I am turning up as late as possible to the school playground at the end of the day as I have identified that as 1 of my main problems.
I attend a support group for my post natal depression and this week's session was ways to boost our self esteem. We discussed the power of positive thinking and were given steps to try this week. I'm afraid I am not really 'into' this. The positive from this exercise was I had a good giggle with Alan about the steps last night.
1) Accept compliments with 'thank you'. I can honestly say that I have done this one. I have had my hair cut and coloured today and said thank you when complimented.
2) Use affirmations to enhance your self esteem. On the back of a card write 'I like and accept myself' or 'I am a valuable, lovable person and deserve the best in life'. Carry the card with you and read regularly, especially before going to bed. hmmmm call me cynical, but this sounds a bit egotistical....won't be doing this one.
3)Associate with positive people. Ok, how do I avoid my mother???? ;o)
4) Read books on building self esteem. Yes, cos I have plenty of time and *really* want to spend my spare time on self help books, I'd rather read novels thanks, actually I'd rather be online lol.
5)Start giving more, when you do things for others you feel more valuable and this raises your self esteem. Well, my esteem so should be sky high then....having 4 children means I am constantly giving.
Can anyone tell I am not taking thse very seriously. There are more, but they make me raise my eyebrows even more, so that they disappear behind my new fringe!
I attend a support group for my post natal depression and this week's session was ways to boost our self esteem. We discussed the power of positive thinking and were given steps to try this week. I'm afraid I am not really 'into' this. The positive from this exercise was I had a good giggle with Alan about the steps last night.
1) Accept compliments with 'thank you'. I can honestly say that I have done this one. I have had my hair cut and coloured today and said thank you when complimented.
2) Use affirmations to enhance your self esteem. On the back of a card write 'I like and accept myself' or 'I am a valuable, lovable person and deserve the best in life'. Carry the card with you and read regularly, especially before going to bed. hmmmm call me cynical, but this sounds a bit egotistical....won't be doing this one.
3)Associate with positive people. Ok, how do I avoid my mother???? ;o)
4) Read books on building self esteem. Yes, cos I have plenty of time and *really* want to spend my spare time on self help books, I'd rather read novels thanks, actually I'd rather be online lol.
5)Start giving more, when you do things for others you feel more valuable and this raises your self esteem. Well, my esteem so should be sky high then....having 4 children means I am constantly giving.
Can anyone tell I am not taking thse very seriously. There are more, but they make me raise my eyebrows even more, so that they disappear behind my new fringe!
Friday, 29 May 2009
How far does the cord stretch?
Everyone knows that whilst the midwives/doctors cut the physical umbilical cord when your baby is born, they do not cut the other cord. This is the cord that binds you and your child together forever and ever and ever!
My children have stayed away for a night or 2, my husband and I have stayed away from them for a night or 2, I have never had any problems with this, (mainly because they have stayed with family and friends).
Last night my little man went off to cub camp. I helped him to pack (read packed his bag saying, watch, you need to do this yourself at camp), took the obligatory photo, checked and double checked he had everything and kissed him goodbye (at home not in front of his friends!) He was dropped off at 7pm and we will go and collect him at midday on Sunday. He will be having a great time hiking, setting fire to things, building things, not washing, not sleeping, enjoying relative freedom etc. He is unlikely to miss any part of home and I wouldn't want him to.
I am struggling, I miss him like mad! He is only away for a couple of days, I will see him on Sunday and yet I miss him. More than I have missed him before. I think it is because I can't just ring to check he is ok and he is with people I don't know personally.
I am sure I will get used to this feeling as there will be other camps and school trips to come. I am also equally sure that by bedtime on Sunday I will be washing the mountain of smelly socks and dirty clothes (or maybe not if he stays in the same ones all camp, which I wouldn't put past him!) and wishing he was away for just a little while longer as he will come back tired and is likely to wind up his sisters to the point of war.
Friday, 8 May 2009
To do list.
El Río Pasa
(Ancient Otomí poem)
The river flows and flows
and never ceases.
The wind blows and blows
and never ceases.
Life passes on, never to return.I love poetry and I keep a notebook with a selection of my favourites, reading through it I came across this beautiful poem. This coupled with watching The Bucket List has really got me thinking.
I am very happy with most aspects of my life and although there are many things that make me think 'I want to do that', but only a few that I really feel the need to do.
So here is my list:
- Take part in The Playtex Moonwalk
- Go on safari
- Work in a school/orphanage in Africa
- Get a tattoo
- See my children happy in adulthood
- Help someone to achieve their dream
- Take my children to Florida to see Disney and the Epcot Centre
When I started my list it was as long as my arm. I read it through and tweaked it and then sat and thought about it properly. Were the things on my list really what I needed to do? I redid my list with the things that I needed to do and got down to these 7 points. This list has some promises to others (I promised Matthew I would take our children to Florida one day and I promised Alan I would do the Moonwalk with him) but really it is a list of things that I can honestly say that I will be sad not to have done by the end of my life.
What would your 'to do' list be?
Thursday, 7 May 2009
Seeing me
Isn't it strange how we view ourselves and how others view us?
To me, I am tall and overweight (still need to lose the pregnancy weight). My hair is a mop as I am growing it and it is at the inbetween/no real style stage and the roots need doing, and the bags under my eyes are now a permanent fixture as my youngest has an aversion to sleeping more than 3 hours at a time. I don't wear my clothes, they wear me at the moment. I am concious of where they are too tight/too baggy and of the marks of motherhood on them, fingerprints, food stains, snot, baby sick...you know what I mean.
This week 3 people have commented on how well I am looking, 2 people have mentioned how good my hair looks and 2 people have commented on how much weight I have lost. This boosts my ego, but leaves me confused. My scales still tell me I need to lose 1 1/2 stone, my mirror shows me where my clothes don't fit and how tiredness has crept over my features.
I am in a good place at the moment, helped by a delivery of new clothes that actually fit me. Today I am wearing a new outfit, and I have taken on board what others have said. I have actually made an effort to be more yummy and less slummy mummy today and have put a small amount of make up and I feel good.
Today the mirror is telling me that I don't scrub up too badly for a 36 year old mum of 4.
Pointless blog really, but there you go ... :o)
To me, I am tall and overweight (still need to lose the pregnancy weight). My hair is a mop as I am growing it and it is at the inbetween/no real style stage and the roots need doing, and the bags under my eyes are now a permanent fixture as my youngest has an aversion to sleeping more than 3 hours at a time. I don't wear my clothes, they wear me at the moment. I am concious of where they are too tight/too baggy and of the marks of motherhood on them, fingerprints, food stains, snot, baby sick...you know what I mean.
This week 3 people have commented on how well I am looking, 2 people have mentioned how good my hair looks and 2 people have commented on how much weight I have lost. This boosts my ego, but leaves me confused. My scales still tell me I need to lose 1 1/2 stone, my mirror shows me where my clothes don't fit and how tiredness has crept over my features.
I am in a good place at the moment, helped by a delivery of new clothes that actually fit me. Today I am wearing a new outfit, and I have taken on board what others have said. I have actually made an effort to be more yummy and less slummy mummy today and have put a small amount of make up and I feel good.
Today the mirror is telling me that I don't scrub up too badly for a 36 year old mum of 4.
Pointless blog really, but there you go ... :o)
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