I am an incurable romantic

I am going to start by clarifying that I am not talking about the lovey dovey connotations of romantic, I am talking about this definition: marked by the imaginative or emotional appeal of what is heroic, adventurous, remote, mysterious, or idealised.

I love words. Words in every form: speech, poetry, prose, stories, song, plays. I am fascinated by the way they sound, the way they can convey meaning, how their definitions vary depending on place and situation.

I write down inspirational quotes and poems that I see/hear. Recently my eldest children have started to comment on words of songs, like me they read a deeper meaning into them. It warms my heart.

With this in mind I have started working on a soundtrack for my children, it's a work in progress but here is some of it. I have added links to the songs lyrics. Call me soppy, call me daft but let me know what you think.

Perfect - Pink www.youtube.com/watch?v=ovnTcntGXVY
Three Little Birds- Bob Marley www.youtube.com/watch?v=CY6A5arNCQQ
Firework - Katy Perry www.youtube.com/watch?v=b3bkpyNiv8Y
By Your Side- Sade  www.youtube.com/watch?v=k3JJ-_L70As
I Hope You Dance Lee Ann Womack www.youtube.com/watch?v=-KFAa40kZ30
My Wish - Rascall Flats www.youtube.com/watch?v=xz32I_GbpeU
Butterfly Kisses - Bob Carlisle www.youtube.com/watch?v=wioB4AQsYzg (for my girls)
Bridge Over Troubled Waters- Simon and Garfunkel  www.youtube.com/watch?v=elWwI_DSp_E
Never Grow Up - Taylor Swift www.youtube.com/watch?v=O6qutPepOdc
The Climb - Miley Cyrus (yes I know but the lyrics are so good!) www.youtube.com/watch?v=jpTYG_Sqqdg
Forever Young - Rod Stewart www.youtube.com/watch?v=vgiL

Starting afresh

After some recent conversations I decided to pay some attention to my long neglected blog. I've read through my posts, some quite depressing and happened upon this one. I decided rather than start afresh I'd refresh one of the  better posts and hope it gives me the kick I need.

My Unexpected Life.

....and they all lived happily ever after....

...that was my expected life, married to a fantastic man, 4 children (2 of each), a couple of cats and maybe a dog.

Well I can say that, as I write this, I am married with 4 children (2 of each), a cat and a dog....good going!

I met M at 21, moved in together at 22 and acquired 2 cats, married at 24, had R at 27 (boy) and A at 29 (girl), so far so good.
Life has a funny way of sticking a spanner in the works.

Whilst I was pregnant for the second time, M was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I nursed him and as I bloomed in pregnancy, so he grew weaker. He died when A was tiny. I was a widow at 29......life had stuck a bloody great pin into my balloon and my expected life had gone pop.

Just under a year later I had met a new man who shared my pain and sadness. A's wife J had died from breast cancer a couple of months before M had died. We met as friends, had endless conversations about our friendship, swore we would never ever marry again and then we fell in love. We moved in together when I was 31 with his 2 cats, bringing cat total up to 4, married when I was 32 and got a dog, had E (girl) when I was 33 and C (boy) when I was 35.

Let's look back at my expected life again; married to a fantastic man,CHECK 4 children (2 of each) CHECK, a couple of cats and maybe a dog.CHECK! I have my expected life, I have just got here by unexpected means.

I would not change what has happened in my life,even if I knew the pain involved, to paraphrase a character from a powerful (and favourite of mine) film;

'I would rather have had one breath of his hair, one kiss from his mouth, one touch of his hand, than eternity without it. One.'

Whack and you are straight back there.

I feel like I have been physically thrown back 8 years! I feel winded and incrediby sad.

Today I learnt that a (nother) very special person has lost the battle against cancer. Cancer, in my mind, is the cruelest disease ever.

The person in question was not someone I knew very well. She was in fact Matthew's and Alan's counsellor during Matthew's/Ju's cancer. She met Matthew on a weekly basis for the last 8 months of his life, even coming to the hospice/our home to see and speak with him. She met Alan weekly for longer.

We chatted when I visited Jane Scarth house, she came to our wedding and met Esmé and Charlie when they were tiny babies.

It is right to feel sad that she has died. She was an amazing person, with an amazing job...it seems doubly cruel that she had cancer herself.

Refreshed

I have been seriously doubting my faith recently, this has meant that I have been feeing very low.



We have not been to church for sometime, we are wandering between churches, not having found a good place to be.



Easter Sunday we made an effort to attend the local church (as it seemed did many others). The service, whilst pleasant, was not particularly inspiring, but I was able to sit and have some quiet moments with God. I felt His presence ike I haven't felt it for a long long time.



Since Sunday I have felt refreshed....like my thirst has been quenched by cold water on a hot sunny day. I feel renewed and alive..... very appropriate for this time of year.

Simple joys

Sometimes the simplest of things can make you so happy. The smallest thing makes your heart soar and out a smile on your face.

Yesterday Charlie said Mama, so what you might think. Charlie is 18 months and is learnning so many things. He is a cheeky monkey and has several words in his repertoire, but no amount of persuasion could get him to say Mama.

Last night getting him ready for bed, he gave me a huge cuddle and said Mama with a big smile.

Last night and today I haven't stopped smiling.

Pondering the human need for stuff

'Mummy what will happen to Daddy-In-Heaven's precious things when I die?' A question from my 9 year old last night. He is talking about his memory box filled with special things from Matthew, his watches, cards he wrote to Ross, his teddy bear. I assured him that he could pass them down to his children with the stories that go with them. 'But there will come a time when no-one will be interested in that stuff, won't there?' He said and I had to agree that 1 day that will happen, but it won't matter because we'll be in Heaven. 'Can I take the stuff to Heaven then?' and so I explained that in Heaven we won't need stuff, all we need will be there for us in the form of God and those who are waiting for us.

So why do we need so much stuff whilst we are here on earth? I have a box of letters/cards from Matthew and a couple of things that I cannot bear to let go of. I also have a similar box of cards and letters from Alan and a box of cards and pictures from the children. These boxes are so precious to me, but one day will mean nothing and will be put into the recycling bin without a second thought.

My memories are in my head and yet I still keep my memory joggers. Strange things us humans.

A new start

After reading through my last few entries I realise what a moaner I've become. I'm not like that in real life....honest... I've just used my blog to vent. I have decided that my next few blogs will be positive.

I have nicked this idea from the wonderful Jane! I am going to start counting my blessings.

I am very thankful for:

My 4 healthy, lively, beautiful children.

My darling husband, Alan.

The opportunity to meet, love, marry and miss Matthew.

My friend's Jane and Brian (especially when they take the children when I am ill).

My virtual friends (who know exactly who they are), particularly after today as they got me blogging again.

My friend Dom, who came over this morning with carrot cake she has made and has vowed to get me onto a breastfeeding supporters training course if it kills her :o)

Living in a house that has plenty of space for us to all be able to have our own spaces.

Losing more than 1/2 of the weight I need to.

There is so much more, but I shan't bore you. Suffice to say, despite the rain and the squabbling children, life is good!