The real me

Who is the real me?

I have been told I am organised, strong, a good listener, a good friend, someone who knows what they believe in.

Those who know me we'll will know that the organisation thing is just a surface thing, scratch that surface and my muddled confused life is apparent. My house reflects my mind....a muddle!

I am not strong, I deal with what life throws at me as I have  4 children, a husband and a Mum who need me, there's no choice but to be strong (if that's what it is).

I listen because I don't know what to say most of the time. If listening helps then that is good. I also listen because it's safer than talking about me and my feelings.

I'm happy to be described as a good friend, if I achieve nothing else then to be a good friend is enough.

I know what I believe in....we'll I make a good show of it anyway.

A Challenge

Never one to ignore a dare, I've taken up the wonderful MummyNeverSleeps challenge.

As a 40 year old, I am old enough to be my 15 year old self's mother (scary thought!) and feel I should impart my wisdom gained over the last 25 years to my angsty teen self.

Firstly, it is alright to be yourself, in fact that is the only way to be. You do not need to act in a certain way, speak in a certain way or look a certain way to be accepted.  I know you don't follow the crowd, I know that you dress how you want, listen to the music you want, speak in the way your parents have bought you up to, but I also know how you spend time worrying that if you looked this way, spoke like that, listened to that music, etc, you'd be accepted by others/find that special someone.

You do not need to compare yourself to anyone. You aren't blessed with the brain power of your brother, but he isn't blessed with your common sense. You will be alright. You will get your GCSEs, A Levels and degree and become a teacher, just as you plan and you'll be a bloody good teacher.

You are tall, you are slim, you have fab hair, revel in it all. At 40 you'll look back and wished you'd realised how good you looked at the time.

You will get your heart broken, it is part of growing up. Please do not beat yourself up, it's not your fault. I am not going to tell you not to go into a particular relationship a) you won't listen to me and b) it's part of your life, part of your learning, part of who you become. Just know that the 2 years it has an effect on you is really a very short time when you look back. It makes you a stronger woman.

Do not let 1 bad experience colour your view of men. You will meet 2 amazing men who will teach you what love is all about and will always be in your heart if not in your arms.

Tell the important people that they are important, some of them are in your life for such a short time. Value true friendships but do not mourn too long for those who aren't there for you when you need them. Do not be afraid of telling people that you love them. Love is gift.

You will have low times, you will get through them. Depression will be around through the years, it is not weak to ask for help or to take medication. Asking for help is a step towards getting better.

Above all, be true to yourself. 

And stop stooping, be proud of your height....and there, I sound just like a Mum of a teen!

I am an incurable romantic

I am going to start by clarifying that I am not talking about the lovey dovey connotations of romantic, I am talking about this definition: marked by the imaginative or emotional appeal of what is heroic, adventurous, remote, mysterious, or idealised.

I love words. Words in every form: speech, poetry, prose, stories, song, plays. I am fascinated by the way they sound, the way they can convey meaning, how their definitions vary depending on place and situation.

I write down inspirational quotes and poems that I see/hear. Recently my eldest children have started to comment on words of songs, like me they read a deeper meaning into them. It warms my heart.

With this in mind I have started working on a soundtrack for my children, it's a work in progress but here is some of it. I have added links to the songs lyrics. Call me soppy, call me daft but let me know what you think.

Perfect - Pink www.youtube.com/watch?v=ovnTcntGXVY
Three Little Birds- Bob Marley www.youtube.com/watch?v=CY6A5arNCQQ
Firework - Katy Perry www.youtube.com/watch?v=b3bkpyNiv8Y
By Your Side- Sade  www.youtube.com/watch?v=k3JJ-_L70As
I Hope You Dance Lee Ann Womack www.youtube.com/watch?v=-KFAa40kZ30
My Wish - Rascall Flats www.youtube.com/watch?v=xz32I_GbpeU
Butterfly Kisses - Bob Carlisle www.youtube.com/watch?v=wioB4AQsYzg (for my girls)
Bridge Over Troubled Waters- Simon and Garfunkel  www.youtube.com/watch?v=elWwI_DSp_E
Never Grow Up - Taylor Swift www.youtube.com/watch?v=O6qutPepOdc
The Climb - Miley Cyrus (yes I know but the lyrics are so good!) www.youtube.com/watch?v=jpTYG_Sqqdg
Forever Young - Rod Stewart www.youtube.com/watch?v=vgiL

Starting afresh

After some recent conversations I decided to pay some attention to my long neglected blog. I've read through my posts, some quite depressing and happened upon this one. I decided rather than start afresh I'd refresh one of the  better posts and hope it gives me the kick I need.

My Unexpected Life.

....and they all lived happily ever after....

...that was my expected life, married to a fantastic man, 4 children (2 of each), a couple of cats and maybe a dog.

Well I can say that, as I write this, I am married with 4 children (2 of each), a cat and a dog....good going!

I met M at 21, moved in together at 22 and acquired 2 cats, married at 24, had R at 27 (boy) and A at 29 (girl), so far so good.
Life has a funny way of sticking a spanner in the works.

Whilst I was pregnant for the second time, M was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I nursed him and as I bloomed in pregnancy, so he grew weaker. He died when A was tiny. I was a widow at 29......life had stuck a bloody great pin into my balloon and my expected life had gone pop.

Just under a year later I had met a new man who shared my pain and sadness. A's wife J had died from breast cancer a couple of months before M had died. We met as friends, had endless conversations about our friendship, swore we would never ever marry again and then we fell in love. We moved in together when I was 31 with his 2 cats, bringing cat total up to 4, married when I was 32 and got a dog, had E (girl) when I was 33 and C (boy) when I was 35.

Let's look back at my expected life again; married to a fantastic man,CHECK 4 children (2 of each) CHECK, a couple of cats and maybe a dog.CHECK! I have my expected life, I have just got here by unexpected means.

I would not change what has happened in my life,even if I knew the pain involved, to paraphrase a character from a powerful (and favourite of mine) film;

'I would rather have had one breath of his hair, one kiss from his mouth, one touch of his hand, than eternity without it. One.'

Whack and you are straight back there.

I feel like I have been physically thrown back 8 years! I feel winded and incrediby sad.

Today I learnt that a (nother) very special person has lost the battle against cancer. Cancer, in my mind, is the cruelest disease ever.

The person in question was not someone I knew very well. She was in fact Matthew's and Alan's counsellor during Matthew's/Ju's cancer. She met Matthew on a weekly basis for the last 8 months of his life, even coming to the hospice/our home to see and speak with him. She met Alan weekly for longer.

We chatted when I visited Jane Scarth house, she came to our wedding and met Esmé and Charlie when they were tiny babies.

It is right to feel sad that she has died. She was an amazing person, with an amazing job...it seems doubly cruel that she had cancer herself.

Refreshed

I have been seriously doubting my faith recently, this has meant that I have been feeing very low.



We have not been to church for sometime, we are wandering between churches, not having found a good place to be.



Easter Sunday we made an effort to attend the local church (as it seemed did many others). The service, whilst pleasant, was not particularly inspiring, but I was able to sit and have some quiet moments with God. I felt His presence ike I haven't felt it for a long long time.



Since Sunday I have felt refreshed....like my thirst has been quenched by cold water on a hot sunny day. I feel renewed and alive..... very appropriate for this time of year.

Simple joys

Sometimes the simplest of things can make you so happy. The smallest thing makes your heart soar and out a smile on your face.

Yesterday Charlie said Mama, so what you might think. Charlie is 18 months and is learnning so many things. He is a cheeky monkey and has several words in his repertoire, but no amount of persuasion could get him to say Mama.

Last night getting him ready for bed, he gave me a huge cuddle and said Mama with a big smile.

Last night and today I haven't stopped smiling.